The dismantling Phase - Dealing with the uncertainty of the dismantling phase prior to Integration
Q: While in the midst of experiencing the physiology "ridding itself of all the accumulated stresses which have been stored deep in the subconscious layers of our psyche" (quote from your Facebook blog today), I often find myself feeling “lost” and seemingly unable to witness this process, and I experience fear and doubt. It concerns me that I could be somehow “reinforcing” these old tendencies when I feel I “get lost” in them and feel overwhelmed — is this true? Can you talk about how to best deal with these intense feelings with right understanding and how to best “collaborate” and cooperate with this process?
Yes, it is true that Kundalini is that power of integration; it is obvious from what has just been said prior to that in the previous question. To conclude otherwise, it would be illogical now. Of course, it is the very power of integrity and integration itself. However, that said — and this is what that text that has been shared in the latest newsletter addresses — is precisely that period or phase of uncertainty; the phase before the integration can take place. Do you see?
In other words, as there is this movement from one integral structure, from one integral relationship into the next, something that inherently is going to be used as the parts for the building of the next structure, no longer is valid and of course that is what gives us the sense of being lost. The sense of being lost and the fear, comes from that dismantling of the existing structure. You have to understand the term “structure” now, in all of its connotations.
Literally, but above all else perhaps there is that psychic structure, the structure of what we understand of ourselves to be. This is the most unnerving and yet necessary point or phase in the process. Unnerving, because we don’t know what is really happening, and we feel lost, and the fear creeps in because there is nothing we can rely on — because that structure is now undergoing qualitative change. But before it can form, form into something more or less coherent, more or less recognizable — and I will speak about that term “recognizable” in greater depth in a minute — but as it forms into something more recognizable, there is this phase when the previous structure already loses its ability to keep things intact, but the newly emerging structure has not come into the fuller picture yet.
That is what I call unnerving. That is what I call really, really the most vulnerable stage or phase in the life of every sadhaka — and above all else, awakened sadhaka. Awakened – because before Consciousness is awakened, this restructuring is simply impossible. Understanding is being built — yes. There is this preparation — there is this something we build, we build, and we build – funny enough, we are actually reinforcing the old structure. However, awakening is precisely the collapse — that is why awakening is always a destructive process; always destructive, because it destroys something that has outlived itself. In order for something else to be built, we have to knock it down in order to completely restructure it — you see?
Back to the “recognizing.” That recognizing is inherently connected to how that process itself is undergone, and how that process itself is unfolding. So if we are constantly keeping ahold of that structure which inevitably undergoes collapse, obviously we are only somehow subconsciously postponing that phase of flux, that flux — that phase when it comes into something else. You can observe that now, purely from life examples.
Look at it from examples in the way physical life evolves itself; it can be recognized in the life of a human being, how every phase, every particular phase, every age is accompanied by a certain plateau, a certain stability — only to give way to another phase where that stability has been overridden by that period of instability — right? A toddler versus a growing baby, that growing baby versus that speaking, walking baby; that walking baby versus, “Oh, this is all mine”; the world is overridden now with the new sensations and with the new relationship versus coming into the rich world of needs and necessity to express yourself, entering that age of puberty, those teenage years when everything is so unstable; no longer a child, but yet not an adult. That very wobbly kind of period where we are not comfortable with ourselves — we are not comfortable in our skin. I am just giving this as a visceral example of how that could be simply understood; that this process of evolution in consciousness, does not need to be taken only from that overly isolated, spiritual perspective.
It can be viewed in the life of a plant, in the life of a tree; in every phase there is this phase where there is budding, and then that budding takes a lot of juices out of the tree for the buds to swell — all the prana goes there — perhaps all of the nourishment needs to be taken from the roots, until it opens into the blossoms of the flowers. And that doesn’t stay, so every period is accompanied by the newly revealed structure.
This is how I want you to understand that “being lost”: being lost, and that fear is simply part of the process; being comfortable with that fear, being comfortable with that feeling of being lost, is part, it is your duty — it is part of the parcel. It is to be comfortable with these phases where one feels inadequate — and then, suddenly a new integral picture emerges! Suddenly there is this recognition — another recognition takes place — and we no longer feel disempowered; we no longer feel lost, because actually that same power, that same integral power is simply taken to another dimension. So that is my encouragement to you, to see it that way.
~ Igor Kufayev, Online Darshan transcribed Q&A Costa Rica, August 16, 2014
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Sadhaka is a spiritual aspirant, one who practices a particular spiritual discipline (sadhana) or way of life on the path toward self-realization.
Prana is the life force that animates everything; it is in the air we breathe, the food we eat, it is in our bodies, and it is the master intelligence behind all psycho-physiologic functioning.